Yesterday we were lucky in our visit to the hospital in that although I was due to have quite a few procedures, everything happened on time and I was cared for by nurses who were really efficient and friendly. I am hoping that as a result of the transfusions, I will have a little more energy today.
We are in limbo at the moment not knowing why there has been this disastrous fall in blood counts. I know that when I went into hospital before, the same thing happened at the same point in the cycle. I am hoping that nothing dramatic is going to occur.
When we arrived home yesterday there was a parcel from Amazon. I had ordered a dictaphone and it seems to be reasonably easy to use. From my own experience I know that whilst we have pictures and, if we are lucky, videos of our relatives who have died, what does disappear over time is our memory of their voices.
Memories have to be cultivated in that we can’t just hope we will remember what people were like, we have to revisit them and I know I have forgotten the timbre of many voices I knew and loved. I remember all sorts of things they said but not the actual voice. Of course, I would recognize the voices instantly if I heard them again but I can’t recreate them in my mind except that of my maternal grandmother. She had an extraordinarily beautiful voice and I think she could have been a good singer in that it had a wide register and was naturally very resonant. Although she was fairly deaf from probably a very young age, her speaking voice never betrayed that and she articulated words very clearly.
The problem is that we have to survive the grieving process and balance this against cultivating our memories. As I look at my family I do so want their lives to develop as they should. One of my cousins and I lost a parent when we were in our teens and it led to some unfortunate decisions and as we look back we can see how much we wanted to restore family harmony. For a while the family is unbalanced but gradually balance is restored but it is a new balance, relationships change and grief is tempered by the knowledge that we loved the person we miss and that love was returned.