Thinking beyond myself

In many ways the interval between Christmas and New Year is a time when not much is accomplished in the world of commerce – unless we think of the sales in the shops and I’d really rather not. No doubt with the imminent rise in VAT there will be lots of shoppers but I’ve had my fill. In other respects there is a sense of limbo and for a fortnight this period is used as an excuse to avoid decision-making.

Raymond wants to write to his solicitor to see if he can pin him down regarding the progress of the case. He would like a date for the court hearing but I can’t see that happening for months. I don’t see there being much point in writing this week as no one will be there so I have suggested the beginning of January when I hope they will be full of resolution in all senses of the word.

We go to the Royal Marsden tomorrow for my check-up. I am not sure whether the growth on the side of my neck is going down or not. Sometimes it swells as does the other side in sympathy. On balance I think it has reduced a little but I can’t determine the effects of the radiotherapy on the growth at the base of my tongue as it is too far down. During the past week I was quite stressed in the wakefulness of the night, thinking it was all getting worse and I would have to contact the oncologist. Usually by the morning I could rationalise my fears.

Outside is grey and misty. If there is any traffic, it is muffled by the fog. I think I preferred the snow in some ways as now it looks so gloomy and the sound of the fog horns doesn’t lift my spirits. I find the prospect of 2011 quite daunting as I recall my oncologist’s words. There is so much still to do. I am not thinking about myself; I have shelved any ambitions, but I do feel responsible for my mother and the family. I know my family members are all capable people but that is not quite the point.

I really enjoyed visiting Wales recently as it is some years since I have been there and the countryside is very pretty. I don’t envisage much future travel abroad because of the unpredictable nature of my illness and the difficulty in obtaining insurance. However, I should like to see some more places in Britain and this could be one of my targets for the New Year. Hopefully, by getting out more I can think beyond myself which wouldn’t be a bad idea!