Those readers who have been with me as I journeyed towards the bubble know that I hoped the transplant would cure my lymphoma. Unfortunately, the answer to prayer isn’t always the answer we wanted or anticipated just as a traveller on a journey doesn’t always arrive or the destination changes. This is how I feel. I have known for a long time that I can’t plan my life to the nth degree. However, I have never been expected to shoulder more than I can bear. Hearing Dr. M’s voice on Tuesday afternoon and knowing he would be taking over was a real boost. If you have to make the journey I am now undertaking what better medical guide could you have?
This morning we made our third set of amendments to our witness statements for Ray’s case. It is very time-consuming and stressful. So after it was done we went into Southampton and had lunch. Ray has just arranged for a new Blackberry like mine and I hope it will make him realise just how useful email can be. Certainly over the past two years I have used it more and more. The communication can be instant or it can replace the long letters which people used to write and receive. It is good to be able to keep in touch and learn news outside my own sphere which is probably going to become more limited.
By 3.00 p.m. we were both really tired. It wasn’t that we had done very much but we were worn out and glad to reach home. I think the last two months have been emotionally very draining but we were uplifted and sustained by the vestiges of hope. Now it is gone, we are exhausted. We have to adjust to new goals since we can no longer hope for a cure. We must try to give the treatment the best chance to work. Optimism at the moment is difficult but neither of us is by nature miserable. Ray was low this morning and I had to lift him but at other times he is cheering me up, planning outings or doing things to please me.