Monday, 8 February 2010

Staying in and going out

The stitches inside my nose come out later today along with the two trailing stitch tails across my nose. When I look a little more human again maybe I shall feel a little more upbeat. I still feel very sick but I am making myself eat as I need to keep up my energy. Last week I didn’t feel like tackling anything whereas today there is a lot more I feel I can do although I don’t intend going out until tomorrow!

Tomorrow also will take us out walking again. These times in the countryside, just the two of us, away from telephones and business are wonderful. Anna advised us to make a pact not to talk about business or my health or anything of that nature, but just to concentrate on positive things. That gives us a part of the day which nothing and nobody can destroy. These times together are very valuable as we are not looking forward to the weeks we are going to spend apart.

Whatever happens I am always finding something in this situation to worry about; I just wish I could be calm. Now I worry about the sickness; is it because of the radiotherapy on my intestines (I know sickness can last for some time after completion) or hasn’t the radiotherapy worked? In which case, has the lymphoma returned which might prevent my transplant going ahead? It would be wonderful to be objective and rational about all this but there are too many variables.

All this self-analysis I would have laughed at a few years ago, but now I know that my health depends not just on good medical treatment from the professionals, but from keeping a close watch on everything that happens myself. However, self-analysis can easily tip over into self obsession so I have to be aware of all the concerns of other members of my family. Today Anna sees someone about some possible work in the future and Jonathan is now entering his second week on his new programme. Similarly, there are other people who need my thoughts at the moment because of bereavement and severe illness so I must turn outward once again.

Once the stitches come out today, I can stop being confined to home and go out again. Once I can go out and mix with other people I shall start to feel more involved in their lives again and about time too!

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