Sunday, 17 October 2010

Turning out the cupboards of my mind

Raymond is better physically but we are both in limbo at the moment. I know I am hiding away when I start doing housework. I have turned out numerous cupboards and it is as if I am throwing out a lot of my past. It will be several days before I can even start asking about the result of the biopsy and my transplant consultant goes on holiday for a fortnight from Monday. If the result were to be good then it doesn’t matter who tells me but if I have relapsed then I really should be talking to someone who can advise as to what the next steps are likely to be.

Raymond is going through a lot of pain at the moment. Ours hasn’t always been an easy life but it has been very happy and we had hoped to have this period of time together to be relaxed. Having suspended from my PhD at Southampton, I had hoped by now to be picking up the reins of study once again. I have already made overtures to another university but I cannot realistically apply until/unless I get the all clear. The words of my consultant, “a strong suspicion of disease relapse”, keep entering my mind and prevent me from making any meaningful plans.

As it is my birthday on the 27th October, I am being asked for birthday lists. But it is difficult to think of anything when I don’t know about my future or my needs. I keep remembering a holiday Raymond and I spent around my birthday four years ago. We went to Vienna and Salzburg, places I had wished to visit for years. It was such a wonderful holiday – just the two of us. This was before my diagnosis of lymphoma and I was in good health, I had just been promoted to Head of Faculty and was enjoying teaching, Anna was settled in at Exeter University and Jonathan was working in the world of television. Jonathan arranged for a champagne breakfast to be served on my birthday and we went to the Vienna State Opera and later to the Eagles Nest.

It is good to have such happy memories to bring out and treasure as well as all of those when the children were at home. As a couple there have been so many good times that we want to hang on to them and have a future together. So somehow we must endure the waiting which seems to have gone on for weeks as the goalposts keep shifting. Ray is going to chop up some logs into suitable sizes for the woodburner and I am going to catch up on my emails and make some mince pies to freeze as we hope to spend Christmas with Anna.

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