Monday, 3 January 2011

Seeing the light

We now have security lights on the garage, the work having been done over the weekend.  Raymond is particularly pleased but I’m not sure the deer will like them very much if they venture into the front garden in the night as they occasionally do.

I have done quite a lot of turning out of cupboards in recent weeks.  There have been many trips to the charity shops with clothes I no longer wear and books I do not wish to read again.  I hate the thought of waste so I hope they will be useful.  When Jonathan telephoned earlier he said he was going to do some tidying and that inspired me to tackle a cupboard containing lots of videos.  We have nothing to play them on now and many date from when I was teaching so I went through them all but I’ll let Raymond decide what he wants to retain from his collection.  What I did find were some DVDs I had been searching for.  I think I must have put them in the cupboard before I went into hospital when I was trying to rationalise everything.  Jonathan will be pleased as there are some he has been asking to see every time he has visited.

In many ways it has been good that we have all had a few days holiday, respite from the usual cares, telephone calls and letters to be written.  Business really does come to a standstill at this time.  However, tomorrow will see a gradual return to normality.  I have enjoyed being able to relax but relaxation is only really pleasurable for me if it occurs after I have done something and you can’t break the habits of a lifetime.

Over the Christmas period a paternal cousin gave me a little piece of information to go into the massive jigsaw which is my background.  Furthermore, she thinks my father’s sister knew or guessed about my conception.  In recent months I have not gained any further information until now and it has been somewhat discouraging.  Some of my paternal cousins found out about my conception from the Daily Telegraph article in December 2009, but I have been very tentative about approaching other members of the family.

When I have done in the past, there is too much subjectivity and a feeling that as I grew up in a loving family, it shouldn’t really matter.  Those of my parents’ generation clam up altogether as it is a taboo subject to them.  I have always reassured them that I know my parents loved me, but I could and should have been trusted with the truth.  I don’t believe I shall uncover much more at this stage but the medical history would have been valuable for my son and daughter.  I am hoping to talk to some other relatives on my maternal side soon whom I do not see very often and perhaps, just perhaps, they will understand how I feel and be able to add some information of their own.

Throwing more light on the subject is always useful.

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