Tuesday, 11 January 2011

Keeping grounded

I had a rather sleepless night and I am thankful for the Kindle so I can read without disturbing Raymond.  Actually later he woke too and we talked.  Obviously I am frightened because my neck is growing at such an alarming rate and my stomach is giving me trouble as well.  This has got to be the first time I have been willing the chemotherapy to commence.

I am sorry to be putting my family through all this.  There is nothing I can say or do to make it any better.  As I know, it is difficult when someone dies suddenly as everyone is totally unprepared.  Even so we don’t know what is going to happen over the next few weeks so we can never really be prepared for this period in our lives.

I am getting used to the nightingales singing as I am often awake between 3.00 and 4.00 p.m. when they seem to have centre-stage.  There were also some other unidentified noises of another animal/s so we are never completely alone.  I did look out of the window trying to see them but the night was very dark.

Raymond had some photographs printed on the sequence of shots he has taken of the wildlife in the garden over the summer.  The deer look so beautiful and at home in the garden.  It was also interesting to see how their coats change in colour according to the seasons.  Our favourite pictures have got to be when the young fox appears and stares at the deer, trying to play with them and obviously thinking he is some sort of cousin.  As the pictures are on film I am sorry that I can’t post them.

I started the steroids today.  I hate them.  I do so hope that they won’t change my personality or make me lose or gain weight.  As I remember, particularly when I was on CHOP-R chemotherapy, their effects can be totally overwhelming and unwelcome.  However, if they play a role in helping to stabilise or reduce the swelling, then so be it.

We are on a rollercoaster, being taken along by numerous health professionals.  We can’t get off because each piece is related to some other part of the total treatment.  I feel I am just a patient and I will have to work hard to keep my identity and individuality.  The creatures in the garden keep me grounded.  During the day there is so much activity and the garden belongs to them really rather than us.  Watching the mischievous squirrels trying to steal the bird feed, the way in which the birds look through the kitchen window if we are late putting out their food, Starsky’s playful behaviour in the conservatory, the visiting black cat watching the woodpile hoping the mice will emerge, all help me to realise that life is going on and I play just a small part in it.

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