Wednesday, 29 September 2010

Moving the goalposts

Raymond has a cold and is feeling under the weather. He is trying to keep busy but I know my recent news has upset him. He is so supportive and tries to be positive but it is so difficult when the goal posts keep being moved. I am waiting for a letter from the ENT consultant who is the only one who can really determine whether the lymphoma is back. In 2010 you wouldn’t expect to be relying on the post for making urgent arrangements. I try to keep cheerful. Dr Potter says it is rare for lymphoma to return when the GVHD is so active but “it does happen”. I have a horrible tendency to be in the rare category – Mantle cell lymphoma is rare and even rarer in a woman but that’s what I’ve got.

I too am trying to keep busy by doing fairly meaningless tasks like sewing on buttons and filing. I can’t cope with anything that really requires deep thought but I don’t want to just sit around worrying. I can’t even bear to think how a needle biopsy is to be done on my throat. However, all types of cancer bring with them so much discomfort, pain and indignity that my threshold of tolerance for these has changed considerably.

Today is wet and chilly but more bearable than previous days when there was a biting wind much more reminiscent of winter. However, Raymond tries to keep the house at a good temperature so I don’t have to wear too many layers of clothes which make the eczema worse. As Anna will be returning this weekend to collect more belongings, I have been thinking of cooking some warming comfort food. At the moment she has no pans with her so I think she is buying a microwave so she can cook at home.

In many ways I think we have taken for granted the company and support of our children. We have been very lucky. When Jonathan and Josie got together they lived in the flat in our house and when they left in 2007, Anna returned from Swindon and also lived in the flat. This meant independence for them but company when wanted.

Raymond and I are getting used to having the house to ourselves. Fortunately, we are both at home now. It was more difficult for Raymond when we were all out at work/school etc. I am desperately hoping we can have time to enjoy this more tranquil period of our lives.

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