"Ifs" and "Buts"

My delayed visit to the bone marrow clinic took place today with some surprises. I won’t know whether this chemo has brought me into compete remission until about 12^th November. If it has I may be going into The Bubble on 6^th December. These dates are provisional because I will still have to have tests on heart, kidney and lungs as well as the insertion of a central line through which the drugs and bone marrow can enter my body. This line will stay in for some months.

There are so many ‘ifs’ and ‘buts’. If the donor is found to be medically fit, if I get into remission, if my health is found to be sound enough, this will go ahead. Christmas is on hold at the moment and there is so much to do during the next few weeks.

Apart from health tests, flu jabs there are all the other aspects. I have been requesting a form from the Inland Revenue on a weekly basis since 1^st September for my self-assessment; it arrived today, just in time for the postal strike. I have a new will to draw up so everything is thought about before I go into hospital. Then there is my 96 year old mother. Although during the last eighteen months I have been trying to get her bank to allow my daughter to handle her account, this has not yet been fully authorised. My mother is profoundly deaf but it is so difficult to telephone on her behalf as I have not enacted the enduring power of attorney we initially drew up a few years ago as I may not be fit enough to act for her.

In other ways it will be good to be so busy for the next few weeks as it will give us all less time to think and brood. However, whilst we all can be busy, I know my mother cannot do anything but think, and as a former nurse I know she is worried.

This has been an extraordinary year. I have learnt some things about myself which perhaps I would rather not have known, yet it answers some of the nagging questions I had. I have lost a part of myself and my family and this will never be the same. I may never know my origins or meet my half-siblings but I have met some very helpful, kind and understanding people along the way. One of those I encountered through email is a very pioneering young woman who has gone to the High Court trying to bring about fairness in the way DI offspring are treated. Her thesis has highlighted our plight and she has just had that thesis accepted – so congratulations Dr. Joanna Rose.