Tuesday, 15 September 2009

The mist lifts a little

Today I am feeling physically so much better. I coped with the morning walk well and tackled both hills which means I have been more energised.

Mentally I am still feeling rather lethargic so I must look out for more objectives to achieve. As far as my own treatment is concerned, I am hoping that the oncology team at my hospital will approach BUPA who pay for some of my clinical care but need to get updated to recognise the hospital as a centre for bone marrow transplants. I wrote to my consultant suggesting this course of action as if BUPA pay for my transplant there should be about £38,000 extra money which could go towards cancer care for other people. Yesterday I was feeling very purposeless, so if this goes ahead I will feel that I have started off something worthwhile.

As far as my mood is concerned, I think that lymphoma can be a lonely place at times even when you are surrounded by friends and family. During and just after chemo I have less contact with people than usual and more time to think about things – not always a great idea. Autumn is a season which seems to conjure up so many fleeting memories. Unfortunately, quite a few of my close friends and family are away right now and I realise how much I depend on them to lift my mood. However, this is where the internet is marvellous and just a timely email can make a world of difference. In the lymphoma chatroom reading about someone else just about to enter the bubble made me understand that there are quite a few of us out there and I must concentrate on what I can do rather than what I can’t.

Learning about the death of Patrick Swayze makes me realise how much I hate the phrase “he lost a long battle with cancer”. It is not about losing and somehow it demeans the person who has suffered the illness. We all must die at some point but the way we live our lives coping as well as we can with illness or disease does not always mean we are losing a battle.

Well that’s about as depressing as I’m going to be today. My daughter comes back tomorrow and Amazon have delivered books to read. Nothing ever goes completely to plan and who knows what tomorrow may bring.

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